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If I had my way, I would be a bear.  Around late January and early February, I missed at least three classes simply because I got cold and fell asleep.  I then decided that my life as a bear could be terrific.

Look at this guy.  He rocks.  Think about it, though.  What does a bear do when he gets cold?  That’s right.  He eats everything in sight, and then he sleeps.  For three months.  I could go for that.  Beautiful.  That guy just finished gorging himself and he gets rewarded with a season-long nap.  I could sacrifice the opportunity to build snowmen for a chance at a life like that.

You know what else?  Bears don’t worry about their weight.  I dare you to walk up to a bear, look him in the eye, and say, “Bear, you are fat.”  Yeah.  Have fun with that.  You know what that bear’s gonna do?

That’s right.  He’s gonna eat you, and then he’s gonna go to sleep.  For three months.

Come to think of it, bears don’t worry about much of anything.  They don’t get embarrassed about running around naked all the time, they don’t give a crap if they’re bills aren’t paid (same thing happens to a bill-collector that happens to you when you call a bear fat), and I’m pretty sure if a bear had been given the exam I bombed this morning, he would have played with the beakers and balances for a little bit, but as soon as he got his paws on the sodium chloride he would have recognized it as a comestible and all hell would have broken loose as he devoured the salt, the balances, the instructor, the students, and anything else he deemed tasty.  Then he would have curled up and gone to sleep.  For three months.  Security might show up, or it might not.  Either way, if they have the guts to disturb a sleeping bear that just mauled an entire lab section, more power to ’em.  They’d probably just take him to a nice friendly zoo, where he could continue eating and sleeping whenever and wherever he pleased.

Yes, my life as a bear would be simply fantastic.  Beautiful.

Henceforth, whenever legally and morally appropriate, I intend to behave as though I were in fact a bear.  Here begins my life and the ideology behind my pen name.  I am a bear. GRAAAAWRR!!!!

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One Comment

  1. It’s not that I want to eat people, you understand, but it’s nice to have the option.


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